Ceolwulf
Ceolwulf was the fifth King of Wessex, inheriting the throne from his crazy younger brother Ceol in the year 597. Ceolwulf’s reign was far bloodier than that of his brother, and Wessex returned as a major political power through the battles Ceolwulf won.
While Ceolwulf did a good job of improving his kingdom’s standing among the other nations in the British Isles, he did a very poor job of winning allies. Wessex had long been made powerful by choosing the right allies, but this was a course the new King chose not to follow.
Ceolwulf regarded David, the squid overlord of North Wales, as a threat to his kingdom and his family, and he spent a great deal of time raiding the lobster farms (farms owned and operated by lobsters, not farms specializing in lobsters) that dotted the southern regions of North Wales. David’s power was fading as the 7th century began, but Ceolwulf’s raids were of little concern. Lobsters are perhaps the hardiest farmers in the animal kingdom, and the armies of Wessex were foolish to believe they could vanquish these amazing arthropods.
Ceolwulf enjoyed limited success against every foe he faced (and by that I mean he was able to win victories over everyone within marching distance) but his greatest glories were won against the kingdom of Sussex.
Sussex was a small country that had managed to be ignored since 485. Sussex was populated by peace-loving, socially reserved Saxons and Britons who had learned to put aside their differences. These people elected a council of elders and had decided not to become involved in the strife that ran rampant across the rest of the land. Sussex had become a safe haven for people displaced by war, aggressive crustaceans and cephalopods, and Irish people who had grown sick of their island continually sinking into and rising from the sea.
When Ceolwulf discovered that Sussex not only existed, but in fact shared a border with Wessex, he began to make ambitious plans. In 607, he sent an entire army into Sussex, one soldier at a time, instructing his warriors to pose as refugees. Once the army was inside, Ceolwulf struck. Sussex, having no standing army, was torn to shreds in a matter of days. Ceolwulf alone slaughtered the entire council of elders. Unfortunately, the economy of Sussex did not depend on currency, and there was no profit to be had in continuing to pummel the defeated nation. Ceolwulf returned to Wessex, having won the most lopsided victory in the young history of the British Isles.
The events surrounding Ceolwulf’s death in 611 are quite mysterious. It is known that David, in order to silence the protests of his lobster farmers, sent at least two assassins to remove the King of Wessex. It is also believed that Ceolwulf’s harsh treatment of the people of Sussex led to some hard, homicidal feelings among the vanquished peasants. The King’s stand-up comedy routine was very controversial in its anti-Pict content, so it is also possible that the Picts sent someone down from Scotland to permanently end Ceolwulf’s humorous rants. Nevertheless, Ceolwulf died from wounds that may have been inflicted by pinchers, knives, or Scottish fingernails. His nation was left in the hands of Cynegils, the 14-year-old son of Ceolwulf’s younger brother and former king Ceol.
While Ceolwulf did a good job of improving his kingdom’s standing among the other nations in the British Isles, he did a very poor job of winning allies. Wessex had long been made powerful by choosing the right allies, but this was a course the new King chose not to follow.
Ceolwulf regarded David, the squid overlord of North Wales, as a threat to his kingdom and his family, and he spent a great deal of time raiding the lobster farms (farms owned and operated by lobsters, not farms specializing in lobsters) that dotted the southern regions of North Wales. David’s power was fading as the 7th century began, but Ceolwulf’s raids were of little concern. Lobsters are perhaps the hardiest farmers in the animal kingdom, and the armies of Wessex were foolish to believe they could vanquish these amazing arthropods.
Ceolwulf enjoyed limited success against every foe he faced (and by that I mean he was able to win victories over everyone within marching distance) but his greatest glories were won against the kingdom of Sussex.
Sussex was a small country that had managed to be ignored since 485. Sussex was populated by peace-loving, socially reserved Saxons and Britons who had learned to put aside their differences. These people elected a council of elders and had decided not to become involved in the strife that ran rampant across the rest of the land. Sussex had become a safe haven for people displaced by war, aggressive crustaceans and cephalopods, and Irish people who had grown sick of their island continually sinking into and rising from the sea.
When Ceolwulf discovered that Sussex not only existed, but in fact shared a border with Wessex, he began to make ambitious plans. In 607, he sent an entire army into Sussex, one soldier at a time, instructing his warriors to pose as refugees. Once the army was inside, Ceolwulf struck. Sussex, having no standing army, was torn to shreds in a matter of days. Ceolwulf alone slaughtered the entire council of elders. Unfortunately, the economy of Sussex did not depend on currency, and there was no profit to be had in continuing to pummel the defeated nation. Ceolwulf returned to Wessex, having won the most lopsided victory in the young history of the British Isles.
The events surrounding Ceolwulf’s death in 611 are quite mysterious. It is known that David, in order to silence the protests of his lobster farmers, sent at least two assassins to remove the King of Wessex. It is also believed that Ceolwulf’s harsh treatment of the people of Sussex led to some hard, homicidal feelings among the vanquished peasants. The King’s stand-up comedy routine was very controversial in its anti-Pict content, so it is also possible that the Picts sent someone down from Scotland to permanently end Ceolwulf’s humorous rants. Nevertheless, Ceolwulf died from wounds that may have been inflicted by pinchers, knives, or Scottish fingernails. His nation was left in the hands of Cynegils, the 14-year-old son of Ceolwulf’s younger brother and former king Ceol.
posted by Simon at 12:19 PM
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