Penda
Welcome to Part 8 of our 85-Part series on The History of the British Monarchy. In this edition, we take a look at Penda of Mercia, a man who may have been more closely related to raccoons than he was to bears. He was the first man to barge in out of nowhere and seize the throne of Wessex (such behavior was frowned upon as being impolite), and he was also the first King of Wessex whose first name didn’t start with a C.
Penda was made King in his native land of Mercia in 625, though the exact date of his ascension is unknown. We’re also not sure how old he was when he became King; some say he was 20, others say he was 50, and still others claim he was 21. Mercia was a prosperous but warlike kingdom that occupied a decent portion of central England, and there was a history of conflict with the southern kingdom of Wessex that was far older than Penda himself. No one knows what started this bitter rivalry between two very similar nations, but a poorly-planned practical joke is suspected.
Penda was involved in a battle in 628 that saw Mercia lose to Wessex, though he may not have been King at this time. It’s possible that he entered the battle as a third party, though why a single man would choose to attack the army of his own country as well as an enemy army is unknown. No one is entirely certain who won this battle, but it seems likely that Cynegils of Wessex emerged victorious. The bitter taste of defeat did not sit well on Penda’s well-crafted, supple tongue, and when he did come to power he made plans to win his revenge over his longtime rivals.
Penda was very good at playing the field. He was not the most powerful king in England, but he wasn’t the weakest either. He viewed stronger kingdoms as enemies needing to be toppled and weaker kingdoms as platforms for his own elevation. In the 630s he allied himself with the Welsh to assault Northumbria, the most powerful kingdom in all of Britain at the time. Northumbria was quickly overwhelmed, but Penda withdrew his forces before the job was finished. The surviving Northumbrians and the Welsh continued to fight to a bloody stalemate for years, leaving Mercia secure along its western and northern borders.
In 645, Penda sent a magically charmed barrel to Cenwalh, the new King of Wessex. The barrel trapped Cenwalh and rolled into the sea, with Penda making a forceful claim to the throne soon afterwards. To lower the morale of his new subjects, Penda spent about 50 hours a week administering spankings. He laid down oppressive laws and enforced a dress code that bankrupted the rags industry. He did everything in his power to break the spirit of Wessex, but to no avail. In 648, Cenwalh returned and Penda, now suffering from severe Spanker’s Arm, agreed to leave peacefully.
Not much else is known about Penda’s life, but it is believed he died in 655 at the age of 50 (or 80, or 51). It is believed he died during a campaign against the kingdom of Bernicia, though it is just as likely that Penda was suffocated by the vengeful barrel he had sent into Wessex a decade earlier.
In the next edition of The History of the British Monarchy (which is what I’ve decided to name this 85-Part monstrosity), we will take a brief look at Seaxburh, the first Queen of Wessex and semi-pioneer for women’s rights.
Penda was made King in his native land of Mercia in 625, though the exact date of his ascension is unknown. We’re also not sure how old he was when he became King; some say he was 20, others say he was 50, and still others claim he was 21. Mercia was a prosperous but warlike kingdom that occupied a decent portion of central England, and there was a history of conflict with the southern kingdom of Wessex that was far older than Penda himself. No one knows what started this bitter rivalry between two very similar nations, but a poorly-planned practical joke is suspected.
Penda was involved in a battle in 628 that saw Mercia lose to Wessex, though he may not have been King at this time. It’s possible that he entered the battle as a third party, though why a single man would choose to attack the army of his own country as well as an enemy army is unknown. No one is entirely certain who won this battle, but it seems likely that Cynegils of Wessex emerged victorious. The bitter taste of defeat did not sit well on Penda’s well-crafted, supple tongue, and when he did come to power he made plans to win his revenge over his longtime rivals.
Penda was very good at playing the field. He was not the most powerful king in England, but he wasn’t the weakest either. He viewed stronger kingdoms as enemies needing to be toppled and weaker kingdoms as platforms for his own elevation. In the 630s he allied himself with the Welsh to assault Northumbria, the most powerful kingdom in all of Britain at the time. Northumbria was quickly overwhelmed, but Penda withdrew his forces before the job was finished. The surviving Northumbrians and the Welsh continued to fight to a bloody stalemate for years, leaving Mercia secure along its western and northern borders.
In 645, Penda sent a magically charmed barrel to Cenwalh, the new King of Wessex. The barrel trapped Cenwalh and rolled into the sea, with Penda making a forceful claim to the throne soon afterwards. To lower the morale of his new subjects, Penda spent about 50 hours a week administering spankings. He laid down oppressive laws and enforced a dress code that bankrupted the rags industry. He did everything in his power to break the spirit of Wessex, but to no avail. In 648, Cenwalh returned and Penda, now suffering from severe Spanker’s Arm, agreed to leave peacefully.
Not much else is known about Penda’s life, but it is believed he died in 655 at the age of 50 (or 80, or 51). It is believed he died during a campaign against the kingdom of Bernicia, though it is just as likely that Penda was suffocated by the vengeful barrel he had sent into Wessex a decade earlier.
In the next edition of The History of the British Monarchy (which is what I’ve decided to name this 85-Part monstrosity), we will take a brief look at Seaxburh, the first Queen of Wessex and semi-pioneer for women’s rights.
posted by Simon at 9:33 AM
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