Seaxburh

Seaxburh was the first woman to rule Wessex, and she is the subject of Part 9 in The History of the British Monarchy. Never before had there been such a champion for women’s rights, while her catty remarks about poor fashion sense stung the ears of rag-wearers across the British Isles.

Born into an aristocratic family in 626, Seaxburh spent her childhood the way any good Christian girl should. She skinned squirrels to make absolutely divine boots and cloaks, wrestled bears and bear-like men, balanced various objects on her head, and practiced a stand-up comedy routine based on the menstrual cycle. Her life was like that of so many other girls growing up on the southern coast of Wessex.

In 645, Seaxburh was enchanted by the cat-like wailings of a man trapped in an enchanted, sea-borne barrel. Throwing caution to the wind, she adorned her hardiest boots and cloak and pursued the barrel across the seas. She lost track of the barrel in the jungles of Africa, but was able to follow the stories told by the locals about a barrel-clad detective traveling from village to village. At last, in 648, she caught up with her beloved (this took place back before people had to know each other in order to fall in love) and learned he was Cenwalh, King of Wessex. She converted the raving lunatic to Christianity, married him, and led him back to his kingdom. Cenwalh retook his throne and Seaxburh spent many years serving by his side.

During the later years of Cenwalh’s reign, Seaxburh showed her true worth as an advocate for women’s rights. Unlike many later activists, Seaxburh did not want women to enjoy the same rights as men; she didn’t want anyone to have any rights at all. She wanted to turn all of Wessex into a unisex forced-labor camp. She ordered random executions on men and women without discrimination. She feasted on baby girls as much as she did on baby boys. In a way, she was also an advocate for gay rights; she raped everyone. In short, despite her enlightened views on equality, she was an awful human being and was horrible to be around.

Seaxburh’s biggest contribution to history came early in 674, when Cenwalh of Wessex finally passed away. Instead of passing power over Wessex to her son, Cenfus, Seaxburh decided to rule alone for a while, making her the first Queen of Wessex. She had technically been a queen while Cenwalh was alive, but now she had undisputed power. A few weeks into her solitary reign, Seaxburh uncovered a plot by David, the aging squid that lorded over North Wales, to assassinate her and plunge Wessex into chaos. Though she narrowly escaped this attempt on her life, Seaxburh died in mid-674 by falling up a flight of stairs and out a window. It is the first recorded case of gravity adopting an unusual strategy to kill someone.

Seaxburh’s reign as Queen may have been short, but it was significant nonetheless. She proved that not only can women rule as effectively as men, they can be far more ruthless, cruel, and incompetent. Seaxburh opened the door for many other matriarchal tyrants in Britain’s long line of rulers. She was replaced by Cenfus, who had been forced to endure the death of his mother and his father in the same year. If only he knew what was in store for him…